angara8

cycles

Tue, 26 May 2009 12:10:45 GMT

Over and over it happens.
Eat till I am full and throw up.
I tell myself 'not today" but it happens.
I retch and fade into the floor.
On my knees eyes tearing, head spinning, I vow never again.

The marks on my left hand tell the story
bruised and callused from years of the same thing.
Unknown at what purpose it serves.
A way to control soon turns into imprisonment.
The choice is taken away and only fear remains.

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 15:30:52 GMT

I want to be free from my addictions. I hate that my actions, thoughts and feelings seemed to be ruled by what I seem to have to do. I tell myself to be normal and take care but it it all has me inprisoned. I dream of what it would be like to dress in such a way that my skin can feel the sunshine when it is nice outside. I used to love to swim. Even though I have never been ok with wearing a swim suit, It used to not stop me. I do not remember ever really feeling pretty.

I used to dance. The costumes were so much of a fear for me. My talent for movement was clouded by my hate for my body. I wonder what it would have been like to have danced free.

I want to not have a care of what my body is on the outside but what I posses in my soul, my hearts disire. Is my hearts desire to look thin and perfect on the outside? What I enslave myself to do to change the contoure of my body I wonder what my heart is saying. I do not know. But I do know that the hurt my heart has sustained does not have to do with my appearance. No matter how much I try and "fix" my outside, my heart is still broken.

The Mirror

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 17:18:43 GMT

Looking in the Mirror, I hate what I see
It talks to me. the mirror lets me know all that is wrong with me.
I hate every part of that body. Aften I cannot connect that Body with me.
But other times I think my body is all that is me

No clothing can hide what I hate.
I try to change inperfection but the mirror is relentless
I am never with out layers as not to hinder others with this thing I live in.
I feel like my body is a perasite leaching out all the joy my soal has.

In Pictures

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 18:36:09 GMT

Here are more of my thoughts in Pictures.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PPkcTvtQbRc

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPucJGih61U

fragmented

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 15:53:11 GMT

My person seems so fragmented. I do not know what they think when they see and get to know me. Why hurt me?
I do not know the child who was hurt. She seems like a different part of me. I just think of the could of and should of with my present intellect. The perpetrators probably have long forgotten and have went on with their lives while I am left with these peaces of myself. I do not understand those parts of me.

I feel like a child a lot of the time. Stunted by fears of things I cannot do. I want to crawl under my bed to keep away from the monsters. I want someone to check my closet for intruders. I want someone to protect me, to hold my hand when I cross the street. I want someone to stop the danger that comes my way. They are never there and I stare at an empty hand and run into oncoming traffic. My person shatters and I do not know how to put the fragments back together

Why?

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 15:26:02 GMT

Why do I cut?
I do not know.
Sometimes i do not feel the pain.
Sometimes I want to feel the pain.
I feel dead leading up to it.
All the pain ends up leaving me numb.
I release a tension in me.
The forever spinning mess in my head.
I flout in the sight of the blood.
My body sighs.
It all goes away for a while.
It does not last
I hide my scars
they seem like brands.
brands of what I hide
brands of what I cannot give a voice to

(song)

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 14:58:03 GMT

Looking in the mirror what do I see

A person I don't recognize who is she

So many faces, so many games

Why all this deception

What am I protecting

Just to seek acceptance

Take away all of this pain

Wash away my betrayal and my shame

Oh, take me away from this fear that engulfs me

The torment inside of me

Help me see the true creation you've made of me

This body, what is it

Seeking love leaves to pain

Words become shambled

Touch becomes fire

I'm just an object of desire

Take away all of this pain

Wash away my betrayal and my shame

Oh, take me away from this fear that engulfs me

The torment inside of me

Help me see the true creation you've made of me

Aimlessness is my pursuit to perfection

All the recreation of these curves and these lines

Mortified how this world defines me

In life too much indignity

Take away all of this pain

Wash away my betrayal and my shame

Oh, take me away from this fear that engulfs me

The torment inside of me

Help me see the true creation you've made of me

Help me see the creation in me

Help me be your child you've made me to be

My suffering (lyrics) By me

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 14:56:08 GMT

Why do I feel this way?

In your arms I don't feel safe.

Why am I still here?

Crying inside, I put on a happy face.

While inside I am screaming.

I Don't know how to deal with this.

Life and all It's suffering suffering.

drowning in all my emptiness.

Why all this hopelessness and suffering, suffering

Running away seems to be the answer to all lives' problems

numbing myself to not feel anything

I'm living my life undercover.

Motivated by fear in order to not be discovered

while my heart is bleeding

I Don't know how to deal with this.

Life and all It's suffering, suffering.

drowning in all my emptiness.

Why all this hopelessness and suffering, suffering

Pounding the pavement, getting nowhere.

the path I have taken leading only to my destruction.

the scars of my life, what are there relevance.

I alone am powerless

You are the only one to deal with this

I give you my life and my suffering, suffering.

you have filled my emptiness

you are with in all my suffering suffering

Evil Twin

Mon, 22 Dec 2008 12:22:02 GMT

Many think they know what it is like to be a twin. Many Honestly, don't have a clue. I love and I hate being an Identical twin. No one ever seems to get that we are two different people.

She walks through the terminal and I am anxiously waiting. My heart sinks when I see her. She is so thin. Her face is gaunt. Her eyes are blank. I hug her and she is like air. Part of me is so sad for her, but part of me is so jealous. I for some reason cannot take being bigger than her. I hate that part of me.

Growing up and in the present, I was always the one who ran slower, was the "fat" twin, and could never get grades as good as her. I always did everything last. Even being born. I have always felt like an unwelcome visitor. More like intruder. I came into this world 24 min after she did. My body was bruised and I was almost dead. The doctors predicted that I would be mentally handicapped. My mother told me that she did not hold me for days. My mom could not take my imperfection.

No longer a baby, but a girl. I did not read until I was 11 years old. My sister could read like the other kids. I was a "lazy, dumb, too timid, socially awkward..." child even after they all found out that I was learning disabled.

When I became a teen, guy's liked me. But then I became slutty to my family. I was seen as prettier than my twin. But oh, I would trade that for her talent, and most of all, the love of my parents. I was a girl gripped in the arms of older men. My family did nothing to stop it because I was a "slutt" to them and they believed I would do what I wanted. I was loyal to my parents. I was taken advantage of in my own home by the older "boy next door" at 12. the cycle continued with him and with other men. I often fought them, but i lost the will to fight anymore. I was a whore. I was able to control one thing for a while, my weight.

In the grips of deaths hands, my father wished me never born. My mother was waiting for my death to get a rest. Hash words coming out of my heart, I know. But my account comes from what they said to me.

The teen grew into a women, but she still feels like a child. Drugs, food, and extreme living overshadow the pain. Now the one thing I could control, my weight is no longer controllable. I am now the fatter twin with nothing to be proud of because the weight is my only source of value.

I want to be different, I want to find my source of value, but I cannot find it. I know about God and being in His image, but my heart seems numb right now. I am just waiting to wake up.